Saturday, January 30, 2010

I cant sleep ... my head is just racing... my kids are sick and I'm sick with worry about them... I think its part of the BPD to be a bit more worried about things than normal... so I stay up until Jed is about to wake up so he can watch over them.... once they aren't so sick I'll be able to sleep again... but these high fevers and choking and gagging from this RSV just scares me... Ian's been acting weird tonight too... he keeps waking up saying weird stuff and crying... I dunno if its nightmares, or if hes half way in between awake and asleep... its hard because I cant understand him when he gets upset so all I can do is hold him... it must be a hard night for all the kids tonight.. I wonder if Ian is coming down with some of what the other boys have too...

On top of that its just emotionally wearing me out the things my kids are going through being so sick... I hate the way all of my emotions are so much more intense than a "normal" persons..... today was also bad because I had a bad interaction with my mom... she was pretty upset with me over stuff.. .I wont post what, its not fair to do that since she cant defend her position, but it was just very upsetting and uncomfortable... and I wish it didnt happen...shes one of the only "support" people I have.. so when we're "fighting" how can I call her for support, you know? Hopefully this group that I'm in for BPD will give me some more support outlets.. and I found out that if you're in distress and just need someone to talk to and you're from around my area, calling 211 gives you an outlet to just vent and talk it out... so thats pretty cool.

Anyways, now I'm just sitting listening to a police scanner for my town... its weird the stuff that goes on at 3:50am..... just said there was a gas run... lol, some people... I'd be wayyyyyy to scared to even try to pull something like that off... they got all the dummies info, its not like they wont get caught.. silly people...

So, speaking of not feeling well.. I havent been feeling well either... I have been having horrible nausea and right side pains... since I went to the ER and they said everything was ok, nothing acute is going on, noone will help me, and I just gotta kinda "deal with it" .... I was going to call my doctor on monday and hope they'd help me... but I'm afraid he'll say the same thing... I literally went today and it was just like a waste... literally they said to me, "all the tests have been done, theres nothing we can do for you, I could give you some meds for the nausea, but thats it" ... well thank you for wasting my time! I know they arent miracle workers... but its just frustrating when I literally DO NOT want to eat anything, and just smelling stuff makes me about throw up everywhere.... ugghhhh

well, enough randomness for now... I'll go back to listening to this radio thing.

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