Saturday, January 30, 2010
Another snippet from a book about emotions I have.
I read this in a book about understanding moods.. and I couldn't have stated it better myself... so I had to post it.
On top of that its just emotionally wearing me out the things my kids are going through being so sick... I hate the way all of my emotions are so much more intense than a "normal" persons..... today was also bad because I had a bad interaction with my mom... she was pretty upset with me over stuff.. .I wont post what, its not fair to do that since she cant defend her position, but it was just very upsetting and uncomfortable... and I wish it didnt happen...shes one of the only "support" people I have.. so when we're "fighting" how can I call her for support, you know? Hopefully this group that I'm in for BPD will give me some more support outlets.. and I found out that if you're in distress and just need someone to talk to and you're from around my area, calling 211 gives you an outlet to just vent and talk it out... so thats pretty cool.
Anyways, now I'm just sitting listening to a police scanner for my town... its weird the stuff that goes on at 3:50am..... just said there was a gas run... lol, some people... I'd be wayyyyyy to scared to even try to pull something like that off... they got all the dummies info, its not like they wont get caught.. silly people...
So, speaking of not feeling well.. I havent been feeling well either... I have been having horrible nausea and right side pains... since I went to the ER and they said everything was ok, nothing acute is going on, noone will help me, and I just gotta kinda "deal with it" .... I was going to call my doctor on monday and hope they'd help me... but I'm afraid he'll say the same thing... I literally went today and it was just like a waste... literally they said to me, "all the tests have been done, theres nothing we can do for you, I could give you some meds for the nausea, but thats it" ... well thank you for wasting my time! I know they arent miracle workers... but its just frustrating when I literally DO NOT want to eat anything, and just smelling stuff makes me about throw up everywhere.... ugghhhh
well, enough randomness for now... I'll go back to listening to this radio thing.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Got my baby home... so thankful that hes finally home... its still scary though.. .hes throwing up a ton still.. and takes like 1 hour to feed just six ounces... Riley is sick too... my mom has him so they dont get each other sick again.... I'm sitting here going crazy right now because Jed keeps putting on stuff he says is "music".. and its really just a bunch of mumbo jumbo crap.. sounds like someone threw up a bunch of instruments and thats what it is, followed with a big idiot saying stupid shit... ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.....
Anyways.. I'm going to acute care tonight.. I'm still having right side pains and horrible nausea.. .so my doctor wants me to go to acute care to finally take care of myself.. it may be nothing.. but they just wanna make sure...
Somethings seriously wrong with me.. for some reason Jeds music is setting me off horribly.. I'm turning into a crabby monster.. I gotta go lay down.. theres no freaking way I can sit and listen to one more note of this crap... its just going to send me into a fit... I just wish he understood... I just wish he understood my defectiveness I guess it is....
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Not only that... this place is lovely, please dont get me wrong. but its FREEZING!!!!! I'm freezing all day long, I have to sit with a blanket on me at all times, and I'm thinking about asking for a couple more... I'm washing my husbands sweater that I used to get up here in as a coat.. and than I'm gunna put it right on straight outta the dryer for some warmth.. I may have to make random trips to the dryer to heat up the sweater, than throw it back on lol....
Anyways, Riley got tested for RSV today too.. and surprise surprise.. he has it.. and than on the way back to being dropped off to come back up with Jesse, Ian started coughing... sooooo really hoping my Ian isnt sick too.. but they probably all just have it... so heres to a long wait to get better.... FINALLY Jed seems to be feeling better which I'm soo thankful for, I felt so bad for him to be feeling sooo yucky for so many days, but now the kids are sick... my poor family :( ... I love them and want them all better!
Monday, January 25, 2010
The nurses have all been great so far... its just it gives me a lot of anxiety when I try to hold him... those dumb oxygen monitors start going off saying hes not getting enough and I dont know if its not reading well enough or if its really causing him distress. ... so I've been leaving him in the crib most of the time and standing over him talking/singing to him...
They brought him a mobile in, for his crib, he doesn't use one at home, but maybe it'll keep him calmer when hes "starving" since hes only allowed so much to eat.... so we'll see how that goes... otherwise I've just been watching tv and working on my BPD group homework....
well, I think this will be the last post for the night, goodnight.
Jed, if you check into my blog tonight, I LOVE YOU AND THE BOYS!
please pray for us, I know its not life threatening normally, but still prayers would be loved.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Friday, January 22, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
- Worry about abandonment and going to extremes to keep someone from leaving
- Unstable, stormy relationships with major shifts in thinking about another person, such as believing someone is a loyal friend to believing the person is untrustworthy or hurtful
- Unstable self-image, shifting from feeling confident about who you are to feeling like you don't even exist
- Self-damaging, impulsive behaviors, such a substance abuse, binge-eating, reckless spending, or other behaviors that lead to serious consequences
- Frequent suicidal thoughts, threats, attempts, or self-hurting behaviors such as cutting.
- Rapidly changing intense moods
- Feelings of emptiness
- Intense anger that may lead to physical fights or destruction of property
- During times of stress, he or she may believe others are intentionally trying to make life difficult for them; at other times they may feel as if they are losing touch with reality
BPD is estimated to affect 2-3% of the general population, but affects 11% of patients seen in outpatient clinics, and as many as 20% of hospitalized psychiatric patients.
About 8-10% of people with this disorder die by suicide.
It is believed that BPD may be the result of a combination of factors, including a biologic or genetic vulnerability that interacts with stressful events in the early family environment.
I did have a really weird thing happen today though.. .I was told to apply for disability based on my mental stability, since I have BPD and as my doctor says "dehabilitating" anxiety, and major depression... I never thought of myself as someone who would need to apply for that... but since I've had to just stay at home and take care of my husband and kids I havent considered how it would be to try to hold a full time job... kinda scary.... It was kind of disappointing to think, maybe I am not capable of doing the "normal" day of a person..... and you honestly.. I cant say 100% I would be able to.... how scary.......
Anyways, the boys are now just getting into trouble as always, as I'm typing Riley is playing with the mouse and throwing cds on the ground, than grabs a coffee mug, hes gunna break the darn thing, I had to take it away.... and Jesse is fussy... and Ian, well hes being good, hes just relaxing watching some tv..... earlier we read some books together, that was awesome.. and hoping he'll let me read him some more before bed, which is NOW! uh oh, didnt realize the time.. I gotta get off this and go do bedtime stuff... .
My anxiety is now taking over and I can sit here and type but inside I'm going nuts and I cant breathe... I hate when things are planned out nicely than they all go down the shitter and I have noone to help me at all... so I just sit here and worry and panic for the day.... this is going to be a long long day.. I can tell already.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
So I'm thinking, I should probably clean.. but I have no energy to do it!! you ever had a house so messy that its just horrifying to even think of where to start?? thats where I've let it get to :( now I gotta clean up this mess I've let happen.. aaahhhhh. I've been looking all over for Ian's backpack ,and I cant find the dang thing, is this kid like a ninja and have superior hiding skills? do ninjas even have hiding skills?? rofl.... so I think I'm going to go check on my other websites I love, like facebook and BAM and I'll be back to babble on some more in a bit.
the best way to explain anxiety is its like a silent strangler, you can be out, enjoying time with your family and slowly it slips in... you can start to feel numb... and slowly but surely you can't breathe... .you feel paralyzed, you wanna get away from it, but you cant, you cant run from anxiety... your only hope is to breathe slow enough to calm yourself down enough to get a pill or just sit there and fall victim to its ugly little head. And than someone will ask you, why are you anxious?? whats wrong?? heres the part I want everyone to get......
WE DONT ALWAYS KNOW WHY WE'RE ANXIOUS, WE DONT ALWAYS KNOW WHAT CAUSES IT, AND IF WE DID, WOULDN'T WE SURELY AVOID THOSE THINGS LIKE THE PLAGUE?!
Than comes the second stage of anxiety, pure panic, because you dont know whats going on, or how to get away from it, and people start grilling you, you panic, you cant control how you feel, and thats scary.. you're being victimized by this horrible thing called anxiety and most of the time all you can do is sit and wait it out. I want you all to know anxiety disorders are very real, very crippling, so if you see someone going through one the best thing to do in my opinion is ask if theres anything you can get them... and than just let them ride it out... because noones making it better... except maybe some coping skills to lessen it or some medications to lessen it.
ok, thats the best I can explain it, hopefully it offers some insight on things.
please visit it, leave her a comment, read her stuff, shes very smart and knows what shes talking about..
anyways, shes doing a give away about some awesome eyeshadow, and these people have AWESOME colors! check it out here... http://www.etsy.com/shop/orglamix
Ok, so I'm feeding my baby right now, and you know that cute little smile they get when they are sleeping??? I dunno what it is.. .sometimes its that smile they get when they fart lol... but seriously, it melts my heart..... he wont take anymore of his bottle like he needs to, but whips out one of those gorgeous little smiles and momma all gaga and its like oh well!! lol.. but honestly, back to feeding. Speaking of feeding, I love this formula, its working sooo great for Jesse, Gentlease is the bomb! and another thing, Dr. Brown's Bottles... totally recommend them, they work wonders, my baby who supposedly had "acid reflux" is now a spit free baby with the combo of the great formula and awesome bottles...
So, random blurt -- .. thats what I'll call it... I cant find my damn STEP BROTHERS dvd! and its driving me crazy... so pretty please.. all of you out there.. send me a copy, I'll take a zillion.. .its honestly the bestest movie ever, and it cheers me up completely.... or maybe I should get off my lazy butt and seriously do a hunt for it??? ... seems easier if someone would just gimme it??? I dunno.. maybe consider it?? lol... rofl....
Today Ian brought home this "assignment" from school, they have to read 200 books as a class before Feb. something, and he goes, "mom, we gotta read 100 books, miss joni said so" lol, I think he thinks HES supposed to read all these books on his own... so 11 books later I finally convinced him that was enough for today and we can read on tomorrow... I love reading stories to him, its like the best time.. but some of them are long, and 11 books later my eyes are sore!! besides, at this rate hes going to get all 200 books done himself!! I had to write a letter to the teacher saying, we filled up the six snowflakes you sent home, plus he read these other books lol, and please send lots of snowflakes home!! (they write their name and the name of the book on the snowflake) so looking forward to days and days of reading, and honestly I mean it, I'm looking forward to it, I love when he catches on and he gets all excited and he shouts out the parts of the story he remembers... You know what I'm talking about?? its just great fun... .
I see my psychiatrist at 9am today... looking forward to it, I will probably post a post later about how it went... we're crazy busy with appointments lately....
speaking of appointments... started the nuvaring... so far, I like it.. .I really needed a birthcontrol because having more kids is really probably not a good option at this point... so if anyone has feelings on this form totally hit me up and let me know.. I like all points of view...
Come on baby, finish this bottle.. I'm a good multitasker lol... botttle feeding, typing, and wishing for bed... how many mommas can do that?? lol, probably a ton... but hey, I can gloat a little cant I?
OHHHHHHHHHHHHH another total rave!!! gooooo repulicans, go brown, go mass., kill the bill! tell big gov. we're not taking their crap anymore!!! I'm so excited how this election went, I just gotta shout it from the rooftops... so wooooooo hooooooooooooooooo.
We both currently have counselors, psychiatrists, and I'm going to a support group to better understand and work on my BPD. I know all these labels people must be like ahhhhhh wtf, these people are crazy.. but we're normal, living every day like the rest of you, we just handle things a bit differently sometimes.... My husband is well medicated, you wouldnt even know he has the mental problems he has, its more at home little traits come out, and some of those traits are what makes me love him... God made him perfect, just the way he was ment. I on the other hand have been struggling a bit with trying to get this post partum depression under control.... its up and down with getting it situated, but I see my doctor tomorrow and I'm convinced with keeping my follow-ups there will be brighter days.....
So on the best part of my life, my kids, let me tell you a bit about them....
Ian, hes a firecracker, hes the funniest kid you'll ever meet, he tells funny stories, and jokes, and sometimes I think he thinks its real, but its just hilarious... hes the sweetest kid as well.... always ready for hugs and kisses, and tickle time... as well as he LOVES being read to. He does have his temper though too, hes 3 1/2.. its expected.. he goes through stages where he thinks "hes the boss"... well those stages disappear quickly, he appologizes, says who the real bosses are, and we get back to fun and games.... I absolutely ADORE him.
Riley is my snuggle bunny hunny! hes just a cuddler, he is so funny, he'll follow around Ian and do everything that Ian does, and than get mad if he cant do it the same way.... hes still not really talking, so he gets frustrated sometimes and takes it out by screaming or hitting.. but we're working with him to get his speech better, and helping him understand his emotions and get them out since he cant talk them yet...
Than we got Jesse... hes a dolly! hes just so tiny and cute!! He has this birthmark on his forehead, its just weird, but makes him very unique, hes smiley sometimes and those smiles will melt your heart... since hes so young he doesnt do a lot, but when he does something, it'll light up your day for the whole day.....
So now that you've got to know a little about me, I'm just gunna be posting my daily rants/raves/etc. etc. I need an outlit, I'm not much of a writer, but typing works good, and hey, you all can follow and just see how "crazy" I really am?? lol.