Back to having sleep problems.... I dunno what it is... I just have been feeling down.. and like.. need a way to get myself to go to sleep.... I just sit here and shift through websites over and over and over again... I'm not even really enjoying it, but its something to do to keep me up and going... anyways... see that button on the right of my page... theres this awesome lingerie giveaway giftcard... and its SWEETTTTT they got some really nice stuff in there... and not only that but the person who the blog belongs to, well shes pretty badass herself. So I've been spending time there entering her giveaway.. and I love to read her side note type posts too... so if anyone else wants to follow a nice blog, totally check it out!!! I love how open and honest she is about stuff! Anyways, I HOPE HOPE HOPE I WIN THIS GIFTCARD! THAT'D BE SWEEEEEETTTTT!! I can hope right?? lol.

Well, baby is laying next to me, sleeping like a handsome little prince... I cant believe how big they get, and how fast it goes... I mean it feels like just yesterday I was still pregnant... but thankfully it's not just yesterday, because I HATE being pregnant.. and I mean HATEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE it. Its probably on my top 3 things I hate of all time... the ONLY good part of it is the outcome.. the beautiful baby you get after all those months of agony and horror... at least for me it was.... I wasnt one of those lucky "glowing" happy pregnant people who just make you wanna throw up lol... I was a crabby, bitchy, over-the-top, in pain, stupid gestational diabetic, hate hate hate hate hate pregnancy type of girl... .everything aches when you're pregnant, you feel like you're falling apart... you waddle.. ewww.. who likes to waddle? and than it takes me forever to figure out how to walk right again when I'm done.... and in before cases I'd just learn to get my walking and everything back to normal and poof I'm pregnant again... well HA HA HA! not anymore... thank you nuvaring!! (not that I dont love my boys because they are my absolute world!) but I seriously hate being pregnant... just want you all to know that.. rofl...

Well, now that I've blown randomness out my butt I think I'm going to go lay down on the couch, and hopefully pass out.... hopefully!

STUPID POWER PROBLEMS/COMPUTER PROBLEMS.... I havent been able to be on or post because I have had the worst power/ computer problems.... for some reason my power just one day was unable to power up my computer.. so I got my sisters computer now.. and had to reroute everything and put it all through different outlets and really just mess with it until its finally working now.. and I dont even know if it'll stay like this or not.. .we'll see... .but its good to have this outlet back to express myself.... it's been a tough few days going stir crazy without a way to get online...I know that sounds crazy, but I've never been the type to be able to sit and just journal.. so for me, this is my journal...

anyways, getting ready for Ians FOURTH birthday!! Man I feel old, I cant believe hes already gunna be four!! my baby is growing up so fast... so we went and got some birthday presents today and I think hes really gunna love them.. we got him this keychain thing thats like "kid tough" and you can put up to 100 pictures on it, and he loves going through my camera pictures, so it'll be perfect for his tiny and slippery little fingers lol... so he wont break my camera lol.... and than we got him a yo gabba gabba bath set!! hes gunna love it, its got a boat, and two of the charactors from there on it, its soo cute..... than we got him this rockin' KISS shirt.. like the band... its more for us than him, because its super sweet.. he didnt know what it ment, I gave it to him to wear to school tomorrow.. and he said, "kiss? like in kiss mommies??" so I was like yeah, it means kiss your mommy.... I milked that one good. Got lots of kisses from my little man.

Well, I gotta go update all my other sites.. but I'm sure I'll post more later... .

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a favor you do for yourself more than the person who wronged you. The worst possible outcome would be to nurse a resentment against the whole world for years to come. Why waste time obsessing about it? Why let the person you resent live in your head rent-free??


Another snippet from a book about emotions I have.

Depression

Depression is a lassitude, pessimism, and lack of interest in any activity. It's feeling drained, emptied, and hopeless, that there's no point to anything. When you feel tired, you feel temporarily used up; when you are depressed, you feel permenantly used up.

I read this in a book about understanding moods.. and I couldn't have stated it better myself... so I had to post it.

I cant sleep ... my head is just racing... my kids are sick and I'm sick with worry about them... I think its part of the BPD to be a bit more worried about things than normal... so I stay up until Jed is about to wake up so he can watch over them.... once they aren't so sick I'll be able to sleep again... but these high fevers and choking and gagging from this RSV just scares me... Ian's been acting weird tonight too... he keeps waking up saying weird stuff and crying... I dunno if its nightmares, or if hes half way in between awake and asleep... its hard because I cant understand him when he gets upset so all I can do is hold him... it must be a hard night for all the kids tonight.. I wonder if Ian is coming down with some of what the other boys have too...

On top of that its just emotionally wearing me out the things my kids are going through being so sick... I hate the way all of my emotions are so much more intense than a "normal" persons..... today was also bad because I had a bad interaction with my mom... she was pretty upset with me over stuff.. .I wont post what, its not fair to do that since she cant defend her position, but it was just very upsetting and uncomfortable... and I wish it didnt happen...shes one of the only "support" people I have.. so when we're "fighting" how can I call her for support, you know? Hopefully this group that I'm in for BPD will give me some more support outlets.. and I found out that if you're in distress and just need someone to talk to and you're from around my area, calling 211 gives you an outlet to just vent and talk it out... so thats pretty cool.

Anyways, now I'm just sitting listening to a police scanner for my town... its weird the stuff that goes on at 3:50am..... just said there was a gas run... lol, some people... I'd be wayyyyyy to scared to even try to pull something like that off... they got all the dummies info, its not like they wont get caught.. silly people...

So, speaking of not feeling well.. I havent been feeling well either... I have been having horrible nausea and right side pains... since I went to the ER and they said everything was ok, nothing acute is going on, noone will help me, and I just gotta kinda "deal with it" .... I was going to call my doctor on monday and hope they'd help me... but I'm afraid he'll say the same thing... I literally went today and it was just like a waste... literally they said to me, "all the tests have been done, theres nothing we can do for you, I could give you some meds for the nausea, but thats it" ... well thank you for wasting my time! I know they arent miracle workers... but its just frustrating when I literally DO NOT want to eat anything, and just smelling stuff makes me about throw up everywhere.... ugghhhh

well, enough randomness for now... I'll go back to listening to this radio thing.

so finally getting to post....

Got my baby home... so thankful that hes finally home... its still scary though.. .hes throwing up a ton still.. and takes like 1 hour to feed just six ounces... Riley is sick too... my mom has him so they dont get each other sick again.... I'm sitting here going crazy right now because Jed keeps putting on stuff he says is "music".. and its really just a bunch of mumbo jumbo crap.. sounds like someone threw up a bunch of instruments and thats what it is, followed with a big idiot saying stupid shit... ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.....

Anyways.. I'm going to acute care tonight.. I'm still having right side pains and horrible nausea.. .so my doctor wants me to go to acute care to finally take care of myself.. it may be nothing.. but they just wanna make sure...
Somethings seriously wrong with me.. for some reason Jeds music is setting me off horribly.. I'm turning into a crabby monster.. I gotta go lay down.. theres no freaking way I can sit and listen to one more note of this crap... its just going to send me into a fit... I just wish he understood... I just wish he understood my defectiveness I guess it is....

ok, so still at the hospital... Jesse decided he wont drink formula.... so we gotta see if hes going to drink it.. hopefully.... and they said he spiked a fever of 103 degrees F. Soooooooo thats the highest its ever been and thats making me even more uncomfortable.. they wanna send him home tomorrow but hes worse off than he was when we first admitted him... very scary....

Not only that... this place is lovely, please dont get me wrong. but its FREEZING!!!!! I'm freezing all day long, I have to sit with a blanket on me at all times, and I'm thinking about asking for a couple more... I'm washing my husbands sweater that I used to get up here in as a coat.. and than I'm gunna put it right on straight outta the dryer for some warmth.. I may have to make random trips to the dryer to heat up the sweater, than throw it back on lol....

Anyways, Riley got tested for RSV today too.. and surprise surprise.. he has it.. and than on the way back to being dropped off to come back up with Jesse, Ian started coughing... sooooo really hoping my Ian isnt sick too.. but they probably all just have it... so heres to a long wait to get better.... FINALLY Jed seems to be feeling better which I'm soo thankful for, I felt so bad for him to be feeling sooo yucky for so many days, but now the kids are sick... my poor family :( ... I love them and want them all better!