Today is just a horrible day.. my house is a mess, everyone is crabby, my kids wont listen.... I just feel like screaming... I dunno what I'm going to make for dinner... nothing is organized.. I just wanna give up and go to bed... I got three kids who are literally attached at the hip with me, I mean of course the baby is going to be needy, thats ok.. .but Riley and Ian wanna be on my lap, or stuck right next to me, on me, in my way, alllllll day long.. so its impossible to clean up.. and its making me super super crabby... I love my children so very entirely, but it'd be nice to be able to accomplish something... ANYTHING! I gotta wait until they are all asleep to do anything, and by than I am TIREDDDDD!! I dont regret having my kids EVER but noone ever told me having three kids was this hard... I see all these families like my mom, came from five girls... and Jeds mom came from a family of five... I dunno how they did it!!! Maybe its just a bad day... I dunno... I just had to rant..

been sick the since sunday... its just miserable.. I just finally gave in and tried to eat, and I totally regret it.. my whole entire stomach feels like its just twisting and turning all over the place.. I cant handle it.. I'm calling doctor tomorrow, they said if it hasnt improved to do that.. so I guess I will have to ...
cant even type, im gunna have to go to sleep asap.

Well, they doubled my ambien, and its not working.. I dont feel tired at all... my heads racing... so I dont think I can get to bed like this... ugghhh.... you know what would really cheer me up?? If I could find my favorite movie of all freaking time ..... STEP BROTHERS... its hiding out somewhere in my apartment, and I cant seem to find it and it'd be awesome if I could find it.. .than I could cheer up maybe. Anyways, it was nice to see my sister and her kids today. .I love my Kammerboo boo and Brookyboo!! But poor little Brooklynn had a fever so I'm hoping shes feeling better soon... I am happy I got hugs from my handsome little man though... I've been snuggling up to Riley alot today too... hes been very kissy... so I really am happy about that.. Now I'm calling my momma on the phone... yes I call my momma at 4 am.. thats what I love about her, shes always available at any time... I'm pretty dang lucky to have a mom like mine :D

Today my right side was killing me again.. so I went to the doctor after Ians birthday party... it kind of annoyed me at the party because everyone was worried about lecturing my sister and not about what the real reason was, Ians birthday... so I got kind of upset...

Anyways, I went to the doctor hoping they'd find some reason why my side hurt so freaking bad... but to no avail again they didnt find anything... I'm about to give up and just deal with the pain without asking for help ever again.. just frustrating..

On a good note, Jed wore his new clothes today and he looked soooo hotttttttt... and sooo handsome.. .he always looks great, but I loved his outfit today.. sexy daddy! lol..

Well.. tomorrow is my sons fourth birthday party.. I'm excited.... got everything all bought and ready to go.. I think.. lol.. anyways.. .I hope it goes well... and than I talked to the doctor today, and they said I could double my ambien to hopefully help me sleep.. so we'll see how that goes... hopefully that works for me, I'm tired of sleeplessness... just wanted to make a short little update.

Insomnia, still... I keep saying I'm gunna call my doctor but than something always comes up where I cant get a call in... I really have to just call tomorrow no matter what, because I'm getting tired of no sleep.... today I went to my group, it was ok... I was pissed off.. I dunno why.. so I really didnt enjoy it like I wanted to.. luckily I'm in a group with some really nice girls so they didnt seem to mind that I was in such a pissy mood. I took out lots of garbage today too.. that was my main feat... the stupid dumpster is sooo full all the time that theres no freaking room to put our garbage in it.. (we live in an apartment, so its shared) but the problem is, its not just us using it... the people on the other side of the fence sneak through and throw their crap in their too so they dont have to pay for getting rid of their trash... its just annoying...

Anyways, Riley's up... hes crabby because of his ear infection... and I better try to get him to bed... maybe just maybe I'll get to sleep tonight before 4-6am.

Just as I was typing about how much I hate the power in my apartment, and how it cant even keep a computer going, it shut off.. now I'm back and hoping it will stay powered up long enough for me to even do a blog update...

Today was stressful.. Ian decided to take off in a store and I couldnt find him, I was yelling for him and he wouldnt respond... where do I find him? Digging through a toy bin.. .I about died my anxiety was so high! Theres nothing scarier than the thought you may have lost your child...who knows where he was, who could've taken him, scary stuff like that... it was miserable!!!.....

Than, I've been working my butt off trying to get Ians birthday present all figured out.. I'm giving him this photo viewer for kids, to put all his favorite pictures on, so I'm picking out ones I know he loves and getting it ready, and the computer shut off on me like a zillion times... I just cant stand this anymore.... xcel said they are sending out people to see if it is their connection, or if its just the stupid wiring in this apartment... why should I pay full rent for an apartment I cant even live with basic neccessities in if it is the wiring? that just drives me nuts! hopefully its something xcel will fix on friday and I can stop complaining.... and not have to deal with the frustrations anymore.. anyways, better post this before it shuts down again.

Back to having sleep problems.... I dunno what it is... I just have been feeling down.. and like.. need a way to get myself to go to sleep.... I just sit here and shift through websites over and over and over again... I'm not even really enjoying it, but its something to do to keep me up and going... anyways... see that button on the right of my page... theres this awesome lingerie giveaway giftcard... and its SWEETTTTT they got some really nice stuff in there... and not only that but the person who the blog belongs to, well shes pretty badass herself. So I've been spending time there entering her giveaway.. and I love to read her side note type posts too... so if anyone else wants to follow a nice blog, totally check it out!!! I love how open and honest she is about stuff! Anyways, I HOPE HOPE HOPE I WIN THIS GIFTCARD! THAT'D BE SWEEEEEETTTTT!! I can hope right?? lol.

Well, baby is laying next to me, sleeping like a handsome little prince... I cant believe how big they get, and how fast it goes... I mean it feels like just yesterday I was still pregnant... but thankfully it's not just yesterday, because I HATE being pregnant.. and I mean HATEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE it. Its probably on my top 3 things I hate of all time... the ONLY good part of it is the outcome.. the beautiful baby you get after all those months of agony and horror... at least for me it was.... I wasnt one of those lucky "glowing" happy pregnant people who just make you wanna throw up lol... I was a crabby, bitchy, over-the-top, in pain, stupid gestational diabetic, hate hate hate hate hate pregnancy type of girl... .everything aches when you're pregnant, you feel like you're falling apart... you waddle.. ewww.. who likes to waddle? and than it takes me forever to figure out how to walk right again when I'm done.... and in before cases I'd just learn to get my walking and everything back to normal and poof I'm pregnant again... well HA HA HA! not anymore... thank you nuvaring!! (not that I dont love my boys because they are my absolute world!) but I seriously hate being pregnant... just want you all to know that.. rofl...

Well, now that I've blown randomness out my butt I think I'm going to go lay down on the couch, and hopefully pass out.... hopefully!

STUPID POWER PROBLEMS/COMPUTER PROBLEMS.... I havent been able to be on or post because I have had the worst power/ computer problems.... for some reason my power just one day was unable to power up my computer.. so I got my sisters computer now.. and had to reroute everything and put it all through different outlets and really just mess with it until its finally working now.. and I dont even know if it'll stay like this or not.. .we'll see... .but its good to have this outlet back to express myself.... it's been a tough few days going stir crazy without a way to get online...I know that sounds crazy, but I've never been the type to be able to sit and just journal.. so for me, this is my journal...

anyways, getting ready for Ians FOURTH birthday!! Man I feel old, I cant believe hes already gunna be four!! my baby is growing up so fast... so we went and got some birthday presents today and I think hes really gunna love them.. we got him this keychain thing thats like "kid tough" and you can put up to 100 pictures on it, and he loves going through my camera pictures, so it'll be perfect for his tiny and slippery little fingers lol... so he wont break my camera lol.... and than we got him a yo gabba gabba bath set!! hes gunna love it, its got a boat, and two of the charactors from there on it, its soo cute..... than we got him this rockin' KISS shirt.. like the band... its more for us than him, because its super sweet.. he didnt know what it ment, I gave it to him to wear to school tomorrow.. and he said, "kiss? like in kiss mommies??" so I was like yeah, it means kiss your mommy.... I milked that one good. Got lots of kisses from my little man.

Well, I gotta go update all my other sites.. but I'm sure I'll post more later... .

Forgiveness

Forgiveness is a favor you do for yourself more than the person who wronged you. The worst possible outcome would be to nurse a resentment against the whole world for years to come. Why waste time obsessing about it? Why let the person you resent live in your head rent-free??


Another snippet from a book about emotions I have.

Depression

Depression is a lassitude, pessimism, and lack of interest in any activity. It's feeling drained, emptied, and hopeless, that there's no point to anything. When you feel tired, you feel temporarily used up; when you are depressed, you feel permenantly used up.

I read this in a book about understanding moods.. and I couldn't have stated it better myself... so I had to post it.

I cant sleep ... my head is just racing... my kids are sick and I'm sick with worry about them... I think its part of the BPD to be a bit more worried about things than normal... so I stay up until Jed is about to wake up so he can watch over them.... once they aren't so sick I'll be able to sleep again... but these high fevers and choking and gagging from this RSV just scares me... Ian's been acting weird tonight too... he keeps waking up saying weird stuff and crying... I dunno if its nightmares, or if hes half way in between awake and asleep... its hard because I cant understand him when he gets upset so all I can do is hold him... it must be a hard night for all the kids tonight.. I wonder if Ian is coming down with some of what the other boys have too...

On top of that its just emotionally wearing me out the things my kids are going through being so sick... I hate the way all of my emotions are so much more intense than a "normal" persons..... today was also bad because I had a bad interaction with my mom... she was pretty upset with me over stuff.. .I wont post what, its not fair to do that since she cant defend her position, but it was just very upsetting and uncomfortable... and I wish it didnt happen...shes one of the only "support" people I have.. so when we're "fighting" how can I call her for support, you know? Hopefully this group that I'm in for BPD will give me some more support outlets.. and I found out that if you're in distress and just need someone to talk to and you're from around my area, calling 211 gives you an outlet to just vent and talk it out... so thats pretty cool.

Anyways, now I'm just sitting listening to a police scanner for my town... its weird the stuff that goes on at 3:50am..... just said there was a gas run... lol, some people... I'd be wayyyyyy to scared to even try to pull something like that off... they got all the dummies info, its not like they wont get caught.. silly people...

So, speaking of not feeling well.. I havent been feeling well either... I have been having horrible nausea and right side pains... since I went to the ER and they said everything was ok, nothing acute is going on, noone will help me, and I just gotta kinda "deal with it" .... I was going to call my doctor on monday and hope they'd help me... but I'm afraid he'll say the same thing... I literally went today and it was just like a waste... literally they said to me, "all the tests have been done, theres nothing we can do for you, I could give you some meds for the nausea, but thats it" ... well thank you for wasting my time! I know they arent miracle workers... but its just frustrating when I literally DO NOT want to eat anything, and just smelling stuff makes me about throw up everywhere.... ugghhhh

well, enough randomness for now... I'll go back to listening to this radio thing.

so finally getting to post....

Got my baby home... so thankful that hes finally home... its still scary though.. .hes throwing up a ton still.. and takes like 1 hour to feed just six ounces... Riley is sick too... my mom has him so they dont get each other sick again.... I'm sitting here going crazy right now because Jed keeps putting on stuff he says is "music".. and its really just a bunch of mumbo jumbo crap.. sounds like someone threw up a bunch of instruments and thats what it is, followed with a big idiot saying stupid shit... ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.....

Anyways.. I'm going to acute care tonight.. I'm still having right side pains and horrible nausea.. .so my doctor wants me to go to acute care to finally take care of myself.. it may be nothing.. but they just wanna make sure...
Somethings seriously wrong with me.. for some reason Jeds music is setting me off horribly.. I'm turning into a crabby monster.. I gotta go lay down.. theres no freaking way I can sit and listen to one more note of this crap... its just going to send me into a fit... I just wish he understood... I just wish he understood my defectiveness I guess it is....

ok, so still at the hospital... Jesse decided he wont drink formula.... so we gotta see if hes going to drink it.. hopefully.... and they said he spiked a fever of 103 degrees F. Soooooooo thats the highest its ever been and thats making me even more uncomfortable.. they wanna send him home tomorrow but hes worse off than he was when we first admitted him... very scary....

Not only that... this place is lovely, please dont get me wrong. but its FREEZING!!!!! I'm freezing all day long, I have to sit with a blanket on me at all times, and I'm thinking about asking for a couple more... I'm washing my husbands sweater that I used to get up here in as a coat.. and than I'm gunna put it right on straight outta the dryer for some warmth.. I may have to make random trips to the dryer to heat up the sweater, than throw it back on lol....

Anyways, Riley got tested for RSV today too.. and surprise surprise.. he has it.. and than on the way back to being dropped off to come back up with Jesse, Ian started coughing... sooooo really hoping my Ian isnt sick too.. but they probably all just have it... so heres to a long wait to get better.... FINALLY Jed seems to be feeling better which I'm soo thankful for, I felt so bad for him to be feeling sooo yucky for so many days, but now the kids are sick... my poor family :( ... I love them and want them all better!

I am sooooo bored.... just taking a small outta the room break again... Jesse has been doing alright today, they keep saying his lungs sound good... but man does he sound junky... it must all be in his head...sinuses and stuff..
The nurses have all been great so far... its just it gives me a lot of anxiety when I try to hold him... those dumb oxygen monitors start going off saying hes not getting enough and I dont know if its not reading well enough or if its really causing him distress. ... so I've been leaving him in the crib most of the time and standing over him talking/singing to him...
They brought him a mobile in, for his crib, he doesn't use one at home, but maybe it'll keep him calmer when hes "starving" since hes only allowed so much to eat.... so we'll see how that goes... otherwise I've just been watching tv and working on my BPD group homework....
well, I think this will be the last post for the night, goodnight.
Jed, if you check into my blog tonight, I LOVE YOU AND THE BOYS!

uggghh.. hospital

Things are so tough here at the hospital with Jesse.. because hes so conjested and throws up, they only let me give him two ounces of pedialyte.... and this is HELL... he screams and gets very angry he cant have more...he is on IV fluids so hes not like going to dehydrate or anything.. but hes been one very crabby little man. I'm started to feel all stuffed up in here too... I am excited I got to see my hubby and Ian for a few minutes today though... I love any time I can spend with them.. and miss them horribly... and Riley boo too... he didn't come with because hes at grandmas house.. but I called him and got to hear him say "wow wow wubbzy" and "mwwahh" so it made me happier lol.... I was hoping my friend would come visit me today but the weather looks like its probably not going to happen... so we'll see how it goes... Anyways, better get back to my baby boy.... will be doing random small updates throughout the time here!

Jesse's in the hospital...

So... Jesse is hospitalized.. again... third time in his life when hes only three months old... its for RSV... they said its going around really bad in babies... so hes all junky sounding and just miserable...hes choking and puking up mucous, and the poor little guy is just very unhappy... fevers too, they said if he keeps getting his oxygen level low while he eats or just during normal times he may need oxygen too... so hoping his stay here will help him get better... its just so scary even feeding him the way he gags and throws up all the time.. I dont care if I get thrown up on or anything.. I'm just so afraid when hes choking... argh.. this is gunna be a long hard time... they said the next two days will probably get worse before it gets better..... I'm sitting here waiting for my shirt to dry, Jesse decided he wanted to pee all over me... so yay for little boys! lol... luckily I had Jed's hoodie I wore up here.. so that I'd have something to put on while I could wash my clothes.... Jed said he'd bring me up stuff later... so thankfully for that I'll be ok later if he decides to go potty on momma again lol.. well.. I better go check the shirt again, and get back to my lil man.... I'll post back periodically while hes sleeping....

please pray for us, I know its not life threatening normally, but still prayers would be loved.

ER visit last night

Found someone to bring me to the ER finally because my pain was sooo bad in my right side.... I got there and they gave me some anxiety meds because I was very anxious... it took them a while though because they had to get an iv... on the 4th or 5th try they finally got it...... so than they gave me some pain meds... it didnt work.. so they ended up giving me some hydrocodone or whatever its called.... and that knocked me out... they gave me lots of nausea meds through the iv too... they did a catscan to make sure it wasnt my appendix, and they did an ultrasound to make sure my ovaries and everything were ok.... and they came back ok... .so they ruled it as swollen lymphnodes around my appendix... and its soooo soooo soooooo painful still... they sent me home on pain pills and nausea meds, but having three kids, if I take the pain pills.. I'm useless.

I feel like I'm dying... I'm so nauseated and my stomach hurts on the lower right side very badly... I just cant eat a thing.. even thinking of eating makes me wanna vomit... this pain on my right belly is just horrible... its achey and it keeps getting worse.. .I dunno what I'm supposed to do.. I really wanna get this evaluated... but theres an ice storm coming/here so noone will take me to the doctor... I cant help but feel just devestated about this all... I really wanna just go lay down and roll on the bed... It reminds me of when I had my gall bladder attack.. it just ached and hurt... and than they removed the dang thing because it was very bad... now I'm worried something else will be going on.. but I cant get to the doctor... maybe I'm just being a whiner.. .but this hurts... and I wanna lie down but I got kids to watch.. so no can do... my husband is sick so he wont let me go lay down because hes unable to watch them by himself the way he feels... aahhhhhhhhhh help me help me help me help me help me.... this suckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkks

What is Borderline Personality Disorder?

The DSM-IV, which is the manual used to diagnose all mental disorders, describes Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) as including at least five of the following

• Worry about abandonment and going to extremes to keep someone from leaving
• Unstable, stormy relationships with major shifts in thinking about another person, such as believing someone is a loyal friend to believing the person is untrustworthy or hurtful
• Unstable self-image, shifting from feeling confident about who you are to feeling like you don't even exist
• Self-damaging, impulsive behaviors, such a substance abuse, binge-eating, reckless spending, or other behaviors that lead to serious consequences
• Frequent suicidal thoughts, threats, attempts, or self-hurting behaviors such as cutting.
• Rapidly changing intense moods
• Feelings of emptiness
• Intense anger that may lead to physical fights or destruction of property
• During times of stress, he or she may believe others are intentionally trying to make life difficult for them; at other times they may feel as if they are losing touch with reality

BPD is estimated to affect 2-3% of the general population, but affects 11% of patients seen in outpatient clinics, and as many as 20% of hospitalized psychiatric patients.

About 8-10% of people with this disorder die by suicide.

It is believed that BPD may be the result of a combination of factors, including a biologic or genetic vulnerability that interacts with stressful events in the early family environment.